How do I manage the relationship with a chronically depressed person?

Finding the balance between supporting them without abandoning yourself.

If you do an internet search on living with a depressed person almost all of the results focus on how to support someone who is depressed, with almost no guidance on how the carer can support themselves. Depression can sometimes take an almost intolerable toll on the carer’s own mental health and daily experience, and it is a supremely difficult, rarely talked about situation. So how do you do what is best for you, them and the family, if you are surrounded by others too? Here is a spiritual perspective.

Is it in my (and their) life’s plan to have this experience?

The testimony of many people who have had a Near Death Experience says that we incarnate with a life plan of several things that we would like to experience in our lifetime to maximise our soul growth based on what we’ve learned so far in previous lifetimes. But we also have free choice, so whilst our spirit guides provide nudges and opportunities to stay within the plan, we can deviate from it if we want to.  The consistent message is that life on planet Earth is a particularly hard place for the soul to learn so it is very understandable when we start to buckle under the weight of our experiences here. However, whilst we expect to have a difficult time, we always come here to find our way to enjoyment, love and fulfilment. Our pre-life plan might include encountering difficult experiences but our aim is to navigate through them to joy, so although we won’t know for sure if depression is pre-chosen, it is more likely that we have blown off-course when we get depressed. 

We are told that in our pre-life planning we choose the souls who will be the most influential people in our lives and enter into a mutual agreement to support each other’s life goals. But this doesn’t mean that we agree to sacrifice our own pursuit of happiness – if we are not getting a feeling of fulfilment or purpose from supporting the depressed person, it does not mean we must remain in an unbroken soul contract with them. The experience must support learning and growth for both souls, and if one person has deviated from the plan to the extent that this is not the case, then the life plan for both might need amending. If you are confused about how to move the relationship forward into a more positive phase either together or separately, it is best to do nothing until you can view the situation objectively with love and compassion for yourself and them. No good comes from making decisions whilst feeling angry or bitter.

Get your responsibilities straight

We are here to be responsible only for our own life experience. We were not told to come to Earth to make sure our loved one stayed out of trouble. We will not be chastised when we return back home after our earthly life because we failed to prevent our loved one from having an unhappy life. We can wrap a loving arm around them and give them the compassionate space to live through their difficult experiences. We can support when we are inspired to do so. But we must not get in the hole that they have dug for themselves and sit with them in misery. It gives them permission not to learn and move forward, halting their growth and yours. You are not ultimately in control of what they choose to experience and nor should you be, it is not your business because you don’t know what is in their life plan. Your business is to love them, offer support, and either walk with them out of this depression or release them with love if they wish to continue with the lesson. 

Fill yourself up first

Remember the oft-quoted phrase ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’. Although it sounds selfish, you must give yourself compassion first - replenish your own supply before you can give compassion to your partner. Loving and appreciating yourself is an incredibly important spiritual lesson that many people do not achieve in their lifetime, so practise self-care and self-compassion at every opportunity. Here is how to do that as a depressed partner’s carer.

Feel your feelings. Sit in a quiet, meditative state and ask your inner self what you’re feeling and why. You might have responses such as:

• Acutely lonely, because I feel isolated.

• Envy, of those who have easy-going, supportive relationships.

• Dread, of having to walk on eggshells so as not to trigger anger.

• Resentful, that we are stuck in a loop of choking negativity

• Hurt, by the unfair words that have been levelled at me.

Clear the energy. Our energy field contains our feelings and the feeling or demands of others in the form of energy cords that link people together. Energy can also collect in objects, rooms and the wider environment so it does us good to audit what we are holding in our energy field and send what isn’t serving us back to God/Source for cleansing. Now that you have named and acknowledged the feelings that don’t make you happy and fulfilled, thank them for flagging to your attention the experience that you want to change in your life, and command them to go, tell the feeling that has done its job and is now released out of your energy field. Imagine it becoming free and rising up and away. If you want to know more about energy, read the recommended resources at the end of the article in the ‘Must See Tours’ part of the site, called ‘Mastering Energy and Emotions’. There is some useful information at the end in the ‘recommended resources’’ section about clearing energy cords between you and another person when the cords become intrusive rather than supportive.

Let in the love. Fill the void left by clearing the emotions so that there is no room left for the old emotions to rush back in. You are always surrounded by a team of spirit guides but not always tuned into their support. Sit with the feelings you have uncovered and start to feel the love and admiration for how you have coped with this hard Earth experience. You should be enormously proud of how you are managing, day after day. Breathe deep and slow, releasing tension - it lets in your guides. You’re not imagining these warm feelings, they are surrounding you. Your guardian angel is wrapping their wings around you. You are esteemed. You are celebrated for the learning and unique perspective you are contributing to the whole. 

Take steps into a more positive energy

It may seem like you're powerless to affect the behaviour or mental health of your loved one and make a positive difference, condemned to remain in this hole for the foreseeable future. You’re right that you can’t force your loved one to change but you absolutely can make a positive difference to the situation. There is a remarkable spiritual practice that can not only help you but help your loved one too. I call it the Outside Inside Outside technique.

We have incarnated here on Earth by disconnecting with our magnificence so that our souls can gather wisdom from the experience of what it’s like to feel small, vulnerable and unworthy. As we move through life we collect unhelpful layers that hide our true self; such as other people’s suffocating expectations of us or the residue of unhappy experiences that cling to us. Our journey is to gradually shed all the layers that we have picked up along the way to eventually remember our magnificence and have true appreciation of it having seen what it’s like to not be our glorious true selves.

Why is this important to living with a depressed loved one? Because we are told repeatedly by different spiritual teachers that what is going on in our world is a mirror reflection of what is happening inside of us. This experience with your loved one is also intended to teach you about yourself, so looking at what is going on outside highlights some negative layers we are holding on to inside. Working with those layers inside makes positive changes to your opinion of yourself that will make the outside experience better. 

Outside. What negative messages are you receiving about yourself from your loved one? Are they telling you directly or implying indirectly that you are not good enough, not competent enough, not worthy?

Inside. Ask yourself when you might be saying exactly the same things about yourself. When does your inner critic agree with the criticism? When do you berate yourself or accuse yourself of not being good enough?. Sit quietly and little examples will start bubbling up. Then give yourself some compassion. I can tell you right now that every negative thing is not true, so tell yourself that you are absolutely worthy, resolve to break the habit of saying mean or undermining things to yourself and start a new habit of compassion and support for your own efforts. From now on, whenever you or anyone else says something hurtful to you, shrug it off, saying ‘I’m doing the best I can in a difficult situation, just like everyone else. Refuse to agree with any comment that is demeaning rather than constructive and only accept helpful, kind comments that assist you to grow in a positive way.

Outside.  If you persist with this self-compassion, I promise that after a week or so you will start to notice that less and less criticism is directed at you from outside. Tension will ease, your experience will be lighter and you will not be requiring so much daily resilience. You will feel more grounded, bad opinions directed at you will bounce off your energy field more often, and your compassion for your loved one will increase at the same level of the compassion you give to yourself. 

Take steps into a more positive future

You should not attempt to change your future with your loved one until you can do so from an attitude of compassion and collaboration. Once you are less burdened by negativity and are thinking clearly, you can have a collaborative conversation with your loved one, around what is best for you both. Don’t try to make massive changes, edge towards a brighter future gradually, feeling your way as you go.  It’s fine to be honest that life is tough in such an emotional environment and you need to make some adjustments so that you can cope.

You might arrange for more free time away from your loved one so you can have a break, enjoying a favourite hobby. You might set a boundary that after 20 minutes of an emotional conversation where a subject is just angrily repeated, you kindly and assertively set a rule where you reserve the right to step out of the conversation until you can both continue more positively, proposing a time when you will commit to returning to the discussion. Think of little things that protect and encourage your happiness whilst still being supportive, and kindly insist that these things are put in place so that you can recharge your batteries, because your loved one really does know how difficult they are to live with, even if they don’t admit it. You could offer to accompany your loved one to a regular community activity so that they are less introspective. Inspiration will come to you from your guides so suggest them to your loved one, and don’t worry if your ideas are rejected - you are not meant to force things but allow them the space to use their free will, just as our guides allow us the same courtesy. 

Time will tell as to whether your life path and that of your loved one’s will be the same or will diverge. But slowly and gently taking care of yourself will make an incredible difference, and gently finding the way forward with your loved one in a collaborative way, with love and respect, is the spiritual approach.

Recommended Resources

YOUTUBE What Everyone Gets Wrong About the Law of Attraction PLUS Healing Tools You Can Use NOW!  by Suzanne Giesemann with Christine Lang.

Christine Lang is a medical intuitive, energy healer and author. She has a spiritual approach to healing, focusing on our energetic fields, chakras and her spirit guides to treat illnesses from a spiritual mindset to interpret physical illnesses and how stored emotions negatively affect us. This fascinating video is a masterclass in how we can manipulate our energy and chakras for a happier, healthier life. She discusses how to protect our energy from the negativity of others, rid ourselves of the influence of negative entities, send positive energy to others and release unwanted energy. Watch this if you want to cleanse your energy, offer a positive influence to support the energy of others, avoid overwhelm and receive brilliant tips for maintaining or raising your positive vibrations. You will never look at life in the same way again.