How do I use a spiritual approach to improve my relationships?

If you want to put a relationship on a more positive footing, observing and changing yourself can have a remarkable effect on how people behave towards you.

How to improve your relationships with others

Knowledge about how energy works is very helpful when interacting with others. The law of conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed - only converted from one form of energy to another. Therefore, if you are in a negative transaction with another person, you can release the negative energy you do not want to feel, remove yourself from any more of its negative influence and replace it with positive energy that you give to yourself and offer to them.

The spiritual approach to relationships does not focus on attempting to change others’ minds/actions toward you but starts from within, putting ourselves first and changing ourselves. It is a completely different standpoint that avoids conflict and can produce startlingly positive and unexpected results. Here are the spiritual truths you should consider before you interact with someone you are experiencing difficulties with, and it always involves being non-judgemental - of yourself and others.

Always step out of yourself to observe, acknowledge and release the emotion

Never squash down your feelings or judge yourself for reacting ‘badly’ because your negative feelings will remain within you, and longstanding negative emotions buried in the body might even lead to physical ailments over time. When you feel tense, resistant or notice friction, mentally step out of the situation and observe it, asking yourself why you feel like this. Acknowledge and honour how you are feeling, by naming the emotion. Tip: Don’t settle with ‘I feel angry’ or ‘I feel p****ed off’ because those are general emotions that don’t describe the root emotion. Go deeper to ask why you feel angry. Don’t hold on tightly to any emotion that is causing you distress or continue to turn it over in your mind, blaming others for their part in it. Just decide that this is not how you want to feel going forward, and then mentally turn away from it, taking your focus away from it. Choose a way you can move up the emotional frequency scale and focus on that, because life is all about finding ways to dwell in the highest emotional vibration. You may be surprised to see how the situation then dissipates.

Do not try to change others

We are only responsible for changing ourselves and have no idea of the position the other soul is operating from. Their soul may have been struggling for several lifetimes with a skill that this interaction is presenting to them, and your soul is collaborating with them on their (and your) assignment for spiritual growth. They may have a private burden of which you are unaware, or past hurts that are triggered at this time. Remind yourself that we are all doing the best we can right now, and if someone is behaving in a hurtful way, it is because they are feeling hurt. You might like to imagine you are interacting with their inner child, because, as the phrase goes: “It is when a child is behaving badly that they need the most love and compassion.” Accept that they are having difficulties just as you are and they are acting this way because they are upset, and resolve to put aside any judgements you have of them because you cannot know their soul’s true position. The very idea that you should view someone’s problematic behaviour as none of your business can be extremely liberating, freeing you of the responsibility to convince them to change!

Use humble enquiry in situations of conflict

Don’t add more negative energy to the situation. When you do face an argument with someone, you may like to use what Edgar Schein calls “humble inquiry”. This technique comes from his book of the same name which is intended to improve relationships at work but also applies to any other interaction. The subtitle of his book is ‘The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling’, and it is an excellent way to handle difficult conversations using a non-judgemental approach. It is the art of “drawing someone out; of asking questions to which you do not know the answer; of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person”. We might think we already know how to ask questions, when we humbly ask for someone to discover new possibilities and nurture mutual understanding with others, asking questions must be accompanied by a willingness to listen to the answers with humility and without judgement. This is what changes questions into a vehicle for connecting, hearing and being heard, building trust, sharing vulnerability and learning. Rather than impose our worldview, authority or ‘leadership’ on others, enquiry of this kind can be an everyday kindness that creates space to think in a spirit of togetherness. Done authentically, it can actively build trust, safety, belonging and inclusion in human relationships. Questions/comments  you can use may include:

• What’s happening?

• How are you feeling?

• This must be a tough time for you.

• Can you share with me why this situation is so important and upsetting?

• What do you need to be different?

• How can I help you?

It’s basically how you would like to be treated in an argument!

Kindly and firmly prioritise your emotional experience

Protecting yourself is not selfish, it is essential. If you are in a situation where someone is behaving in an angry way towards you, you can choose not to remain within their aura of negative energy or interact with the energy cords that they are sending your way. Enforce a boundary and avoid conflict by telling them that you are willing to discuss any issue they have but only in a calm and collaborative manner as no progress will be made in an atmosphere of anger. Suggest a time when you are willing to do this, perhaps the next day, and then physically remove yourself from the situation. In this way you honour your own standards for how you want to be treated, and respect their position too. You do not owe it to them to spend time with them in their chosen vibration of negativity, but are helping them more by not feeding the negativity that’s keeping them in a lower vibration. You can show commitment to dealing with the situation and avoid being accused of running away from the problem by approaching them at the time you suggested and offer to sit down with them  to find a solution, setting the boundary that you do not revisit the grievance but rather solve it together collaboratively. Tip: you should only be spending 10% of your time discussing the difficulty and 90% of the time discussing the solution.

Look inside for an astonishing solution

This is an incredibly important spiritual practice that can have remarkable results. It is said by many spiritual teachers  that our reality is mostly a reflection of what is going on inside ourselves, and our outer reality is a mirror of our internal reality. So if, for example, if you keep experiencing someone or multiple people constantly criticising you, you can sit quietly and ask your soul, or inner child if you prefer, and ask if you are being overly critical with yourself. Wait to see if any examples of critical self-dialogue pop into your mind. Then ask your soul for forgiveness, tell yourself that you are not disappointing or below-standard but are a courageous perfect soul that is just seeking more expansion. Send yourself love and approval, and from then on look out for times  you are being self-critical. Immediately dismiss the dialogue and send yourself encouraging thoughts instead. Just try it - you may be very surprised to see how criticism from others in your world fades too. Any time you are feeling battered or discouraged by how people are treating you in your outside world, be it disrespect, too much pressure, being unfair or whatever, go inside and ask where your mind may be doing that to your soul.

The post 'How to master energy and emotions' can provide more insight on the 'Must See Tours' page.

Recommended resources 

WEBSITE  Using ideas from ‘Humble Inquiry’ to ask instead of tell, by Sophie Weston

This article from the Conflux website provides a summary of Edgar Shein’s book Humble Inquiry. It gives a good summary of the book and lists some key takeaways, including the three different types of questions you can use as part of making a humble inquiry and building a solid relationship based on trust and openness.

https://tinyurl.com/2m6khhps