How do I understand who I am?

You don't have to go to Bali to find yourself (unless you want to of course...!)

Why is finding yourself important? Most of us are not living as the best version of ourselves - we are beset by doubts, self criticism, the expectations of others and the desire to be loved, leaving us feeling under-confident, with low self-esteem and diminished resilience. Underneath all these negative influences is our true soul, and our divinity. If we take our focus away from the negative influences, learn to appreciate ourselves and choose to be guided by what our higher self is saying, it will transform our levels of personal happiness and contentment. It is also the foundation of how we change our vibration to consciously create and use the law of attraction to bring things into our life that we desire above all things.

What we will cover

• What are the four aspects of us that make up our human and spiritual experience

• The importance of self-worth to our entire experience

• How to combat imposter syndrome

• How to re-establish your true soul personality - the best version of you

The four aspects of who we are

We are told that in an Earthly incarnation we have a limited understanding of the intricacies of the universe(s) and how we exist at different levels but it appears that we basically have four main aspects that makes us who we are:

Body. The body is a key part of our spiritual experience - it is the vehicle into which we chose to incarnate and experience what is known as ‘3D reality’, or the basic human existence. It is a privilege for a soul to experience how wonderful  life can be through the senses and it’s part of the reason we come back again and again. Some spiritual teachers say that we have more power over our body and health than we think, and you might like to consider these two concepts:

1. Every cell vibrates at a basic level of consciousness, and we, as the captain at the helm can send intentions  to our cells to do certain things; e.g. recover from diseases, or heal. We direct love and appreciation to the area, give it a specific, clear instruction, and then pay attention to any message our body might give back to us to play our part of the healing process, and assist the cells’ work. E.g. eat nourishing foods that you feel drawn to, rest the areas that send some pain signals, sleep when you feel tired, seek advice from a particular health professional etc.  

2. Our emotions are stored in the body in different ways, and the ailments we experience are as a direct result of what emotions we are holding on to and not allowing to pass through the body. Louise Hay gives a list of common ailments and the corresponding emotional issue that needs to be worked through, if healing is to happen and the disease is not to reoccur.

Mind/ego. This is your mental chatter, the running commentary and internal dialogue that most of us use to direct our life. It is most useful when we are very young to keep us safe. However, once we grow up and don’t need as much direction, it stays on like a super cautious, over protective ‘gloomy room mate’ with an almost completely negative perspective; dissuading us from taking risks, expecting the worst outcome in every situation, criticising our appearance and telling us that people are thinking badly of us, because it’s easier to stay safe if we do not move out of a comfort zone. We assume this inner critic is telling the truth at all times, but 95% of the time it cannot be relied upon. It can be useful to envisage it as the chauffeur as we take a journey. If we were a child in the back seat we would rely on it to convey us to our destination and make decisions to keep us safe along the way. However, as an adult we would direct the chauffeur, it would be useful to alert us to basic safety hazards, but we would make the decisions, then sit back and observe/enjoy the travel experience. We can value it as a safety expert but it should be respectfully reminded not to overstep its remit or dominate our life.

Soul. This is the part of us that continually reincarnates. It is our personality, our emotions, the real ‘me’ that has the desire to find a purpose, find love, be the best person we can be. Our soul has the ability to stand back from life and observe, rationalise, learn, and make decisions. It is this part of us that is on the quest to reconnect with 

Higher self / divine. When we quiet our mind and direct our soul to withdraw from life, find peace and pay attention to our heart or our gut feel, we can make contact with our Higher Self. It is the little piece of Source/The Divine/God that is always inside, guiding us, offering wisdom if we take the time to listen and trust what it is saying. The quieter and more attentive we can be, the clearer the messages can get through, so it is beneficial to practise the art of meditation, and listening to the wisdom that comes in via our intuition.

The importance of self-worth to our entire experience

When studying spirituality, it soon becomes apparent that if you do ‘just one thing’ for a transformative human experience, it is to fill yourself up with appreciation, esteem, compassion, acceptance, self-respect and any other emotion under the banner of ‘love’. This is because if we love ourselves without question, it benefits us in the following ways:

• Resilience. Because you do not judge yourself and are accepting and appreciative of  your own efforts, you will be much less fearful in difficult situations. It is generally fear of letting ourselves down or worrying about what others think of us that is the hardest thing to face about a challenge.

• Peace. If you are able to confine your inner critic to the role of ‘reassuring safety expert’ rather than being in charge, it will clear your head of all the untrue nonsense that weighs you down so that you can breathe and find peace instead of fear.

• Openness.  If you are not feeling under siege and miserable, you will relax and open up to enjoying life. You will notice when life is going well, you’ll see the moments of abundance sent your way and life will feel more friendly and blessed.

• Positive Magnetism. As you stand comfortable, unapologetic and confident, you will exude a vibration of such positive power that others will notice and reflect the love back to you. Your relationships will mirror the way you feel about yourself; people will want to be around you and may want to know your secret. 

Imposter syndrome

Even when we are functioning successfully at work with no sign that we are not coping or are failing, the ego (inner critic) can erode our self-esteem. ‘Imposter Syndrome’ is the fear that we don’t deserve to have the job, and that at any minute we will make a huge mistake, then we will be humiliated as people realise we are not up to the task. Find out whether you suffer from it and how to manage it from the resources list below.

How to re-establish your true soul personality - the best version of you

As we have progressed through life we have added layers to our personality that we would rather not have, for reasons that may include  societal pressures forcing us to conform, the effect of negative experiences, parental expectations etc. Trying to be someone we are not disconnects us from the personality of our soul, and it can feel a bit like wearing clothes that don’t suit us or don’t fit. Your soul is already magnificent and although it is always eager to expand and learn, you can be sure that any characteristic you have that makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable is a sign of your soul’s resistance to it.

We spend more time choosing a holiday destination than deciding who we want to be, and most people never consider a ‘personality audit’ to clear away the outdated characteristics and allow themselves to inhabit the preferred ones, but there is a simple exercise that can help. Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns, with ‘the old me’ on the left and ‘the new me’ on the right. Define what elements of your personality and habits you want to leave behind on the left and clarify those you are going to practise and start to become on the right (which may be what you consider to be the opposite of the left hand statements). Use these headings to help you form the clearest picture you can so that you can redirect yourself when you drift back to the ‘old you’.  

• Posture

• Default attitude/energy

• Inner dialogue

• What others think of me

• How I handle conflict 

• How I handle negative feedback

• How I spend my spare time 

• How I recover after a hard day

• [Anything else that helps you paint a picture of the new you]

Give yourself permission to put what you like on the right hand side, even if you feel it is unrealistic at this time. If you feel a yearning to have a certain trait, that is because it is part of the identity of your soul - you just need to reconnect with it and allow yourself to practise that trait. And it does take practise as your brain rewires to a different habit. Promise yourself: Every time I catch myself behaving the old way, I shall say to myself: “That was the old me, what does the new me do?”

Recommended resources 

Self-worth

INSIGHT TIMER  Various Tracks by Sarah Blondin.

Sarah Blondin is the founder, writer, and podcast creator of the ‘live awake’ series. Her beautiful messages have attracted hundreds of thousands of followers on Insight Timer, where she brings essential wisdom that reminds us how to be loving, compassionate and understanding to ourselves. Choose from tracks such as Remembering Your Worth, Loving and Listening to Yourself, Making Your Life Sacred, Transforming Fear, and I Would Like to Give You Permission. Essential listening for emotional healing that brings people to tears.

YOUTUBE  If You Are Not Focusing On THIS Relationship In Your Life, You are Asking For Trouble by Mel Robbins

Mel Robbins says that after this episode, in less than five days you will have a profound change in your life. Her podcasts are brilliant, because she delivers techniques to improve ourselves and our life experience in a warm, loving, straight-talking style. It’s like having a wise, non-judgemental friend on tap whenever you need her. Some of her videos are shorts, some are of medium length, but this one is just over an hour. You should settle in and invest the time, because she says what she teaches in this video will create a ripple effect of tremendous proportions for enhanced happiness. We are all told to love ourselves, but nobody knows how to do it, and that’s what this entire episode is about. She will boil down the ‘how’ to one extraordinarily simple habit backed up by extensive research.

VIDEO  The Space between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion  by Kristin Neff

In this TEDX talk, Kristin Neff discusses why the pursuit of self-esteem can be damaging to us. Using research that illustrates how school age children struggle with self-esteem, bullying and prejudice she explores how self-compassion can be a better way to feel good about ourselves.

BOOK The Bridge: A nine step crossing into authentic and wholehearted living by Donna Lancaster.

This book might be useful as part of the process to shed the negative habits and burdens that hold us back from being our true selves. Donna Lancaster has worked as a coach and therapist for more than 25 years. She co-created The Bridge Retreat, a six-day personal development experience endorsed by many celebrities. She has an Amazon Prime documentary called Love(d) which shares the stories of 12 people during The Bridge Retreat as they take the leap to overcome grief and loss in their lives. Donna says that we are all living with the aftershocks of heartbreak throughout our lives, whether it be not fitting in at school, or witnessing our parents’ divorce, or the death of a loved one, or many other reasons that hurt our heart. This can manifest itself as depression, anxiety, self-sabotage and an inability to feel fully alive.The process in this book can support you as you feel your feelings, release them and move towards peace and more wholehearted living.

WEBSITE  Imposter Syndrome: Why You May Feel Like a Fraud by Arlin Cuncic, Very Well Mind

In order to establish our self-worth, it is important to see what gets in the way of it. It is estimated that 70% of us will experience Imposter Syndrome at some point in our lives. Impostor syndrome is the internal psychological experience of feeling like a fake in some area of your life, despite the success that you have achieved in that area.

You might have imposter syndrome if you find yourself consistently experiencing self-doubt, even in areas where you typically excel. This article explains the types of imposter syndrome, symptoms, causes and coping mechanisms.

WEBSITE  Imposter Syndrome Test by Pauline Clance

Pauline Clance is an expert in Imposter Syndrome and has devised a test to uncover whether you suffer from it, and to what extent.